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Of all the things men fear—embarrassment, nut shots, impotence, sobriety, etc.

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I would do likewise. I apologize to you in advance.

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I am nearly 40, and I happen to have a larger-than-normal prostate. I also have a hilariously weak bladder and always have.

I even went to physical therapy for it. I also had to keep a peepee journal.

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It was all deeply mortifying, not to mention expensive. When you're 39, urinary and erectile issues represent a legitimate medical worry.

Dlck, your dick is the lighthouse that sends out distress signals about the greater evils happening inside the rest of your body. I had to be checked.

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They brought me into a tech room and squirted a bunch of goo on my pelvis and balls to do an ultrasound. The tests were all clear, but the goo takes roughly paper towels to remove.

You and I both know this is a lie. Doctors always use terms that are one notch below the actual feeling to describe your future predicament.

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Anyway, they scheduled me for the insertion, and I spent a week sweating the idea of having a probe jammed up my dickhole. I got to the outpatient-care center, and the nurse took my blood pressure.

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They gave me an antibiotic to prevent infection and then had me strip down to nothing but my socks and a hospital gown. Then they laid me on a table.

They lifted my gown and laid holee surgical sheet over my lower body, with a little glory-hole flap for my cold dick to stick out. The nurse showed me a wide plastic syringe that was dripping with clear goo. Indeed, it was very fast.

And yet…men. Men, in those thirty seconds, I saw the depths of hell.

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I made the same face Mel Gibson does in the disemboweling scene of Braveheart. The probe was supposedly very thin, but it felt like someone was trying to cram a peach in meed.

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Holy holy holy fucking shit. I got up slowly and the nurse explained to me that I had to go to the bathroom to pee now.

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It would not be a pleasant experience, she said. But you should be back to normal by tomorrow. I staggered to the bathroom and stared down at my dick, not really wanting to piss but knowing I had to.

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It felt like I gole pissing raw onions. Afterward, they let me get dressed and then the doc told me I was all fine.

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The stripping of my dignity will now be a regularly scheduled occurrence. This is aging.

There are times when pain surprises you, when the shock of it is the first thing you register before the horror. I I need a dick hole gray: But…there is whiskey. There is always whiskey, and there is always the hope that I can soothe my suffering and angst by telling you, good citizen, of the horrors I have endured.